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A Bug's Life (EWW Video)
The full transcript of 'Everything Wrong With A Bug's Life In 13 Minutes Or Less'. List of Sins #1 - Disney uses the same logo intro they used for Toy Story, giving me a nostalgia boner for a much better movie. #2 - Movie takes place on an island on what appears to be a dried up riverbed, which makes me wonder where the river is. Is there a drought? If so, why is the surrounding foliage still so green? And why didn't Pixar just make this an island on an actual f*cking river!? #3 - The late '90s was a weird era when there were basically two different movies for every story. Dante's Peak and Volcano. The Truman Show and Ed TV. Without Limits and Prefontaine... I mean, two f*cking movies about Steve Preontaine! Well, here's A Bug's Life. Not Antz. #4 - Based on what I saw a few seconds ago, there's plenty of grain. The climber ant could have avoided the berries altogether, and they are logistically much harder to carry. All in all, this seems like a dick move. #5 - Ants, of course, are an absolute nightmare. There's a reason this story takes place outdoors - if it was set in a house, the viewer would definitely want all of them dead. Take THAT, baby Hayden Panettiere! #6 - Instead of just piling up the offering on the ground in front of the anthill, the ants decide to precariously stack the grains onto a leaf held up by one large rock that's held up by 9 small rocks right next to a cliff. Ant: "I'm lost!" #7 - A real ant would not get lost in this situation. Ants use pheromones to make their paths, so this guy should just be able to walk around this leaf to get back on track with no hesitation. #8 - Are those... freckles? Liver spots? A weird infection? Mr. Soil: "This is nothing compared to the twig of '93." #9 - Island ants somehow measure time by human scales and know a special time known as 1993. #10 - Also, are all the minor obstuctions revered as natural disasters even though they only take a few seconds to overcome? #11 - What is it that makes this ant so much smarter than all the other ants carrying grain and berries and s*it? The ant colony seems to have some sort of educational inequality problem that can in no way be tied to socioeconomics or racial inequality because the're f*cking ants. Mr. Soil: "She's got enough on her plate already: Training her daughter..." Dr. Flora: "Oh yes, Princess Atta, the poor dear." #12 - Aggressive expositional emphasis. Thorny: "Your Highness, I can't count when you hover like that." #13 - The princess could have easily stood behind him without hovering at all. The Queen: "That right, Aphie?" #14 - Ants and aphids actually do have a mutual relationship, and even though that is a delightfully accurate part of this movie, the ants should treat the aphids more like colleagues and less like pets. The Queen: "Dot! What did I tell you about trying to fly?" Dot: "Not until my wings grow in." #15 - I'm impressed her wings were able to lift her off the ground at all. #16 - These ants are so iridescent! They look like drugstore eye shadow. #17 - Flik's machine is powered by movie magic. Flik: "This is my new idea for harvesting grain." #18 - Flik's invention bypassed thousands of years of harvesting innovation and jumped right to the Industrial Revolution. He's basically a witch. Flik: "Telescope!" #19 - A spherical drop of dew couldn't telescope sh*t. If you don't believe me, just look through a clear marble. Flik: "I'm beginning to think nothing I do works." #20 - No, your inventions all work, it's just that no one gives a s*it. Flik: "I need a seed, uh..." #21 - Flik doesn't say, "Hey Dot, can you grab a seed out of my machine's blade of grass?" The Queen: "(whistles) Okay everyone, food to the offering stone..." #22 - These ants didn't just do this to begin with; instead they resorted to chaos and ran around like a bunch of dumb humans. #23 - These ants have discovered the illuminating power of fluorescent mushrooms that definitely exist. #24 - Bullsh*t contraption somehow has the strength to knock out a rock weighted down by two heavier rocks. #25 - Since this was so easy to knock down, it's amazing that this poorly constructed pedestal stayed up as long as it did. #26 - There must be a wormhole i this puddle, because the grain seems to vanish as soon as it enters the puddle. I can see the bottom of the puddle, but I can't see any of the grain. #27 - Also, whose genius idea was it to put the offering stone next to a cliff? #28 - It's convenient for the grasshoppers that the ant's large gathering room isn't any deeper into the earth. Hopper: "One of those circle of life kind of things." #29 - A little Disney cross-promotion for you. Molt: "The birds eat the grasshoppers. Hey, like the one that nearly ate you, remember?" #30 - "Bumbling idiot bad guy lackey saying things at inappropriate times that are expositional ultimately helpful to the audience" cliché. Hopper: "There's still a few months 'till the rains come..." #31 - Yeah, there's still a few months until the rains come... the ants will still be able to collect more food for the grasshoppers... who will be dead by then because of their two-month life cycle as an adult. #32 - Also... are they saying this happens EVERY YEAR? They are the oldest living grasshoppers ever! Hopper: "We'll be back at the end of the season, when the last leaf falls." #33 - "We'll be just sitting around... for months... waiting for that last leaf to fall, which will be hard to verify, but f*ck it... sounds great! #34 - I'm starting to think this movie is some kind of bizarre retelling of Aesop's "The Ant and the Grasshopper" fable, but the only thing the stories have in common is they both involve ants and grasshoppers. Child Ant 1: "Nobody asked you, your royal shortness." #35 - The proles are a little too comfortable sassing off to the monarchy. A violent revolution overthrowing the royal family is definitely on the way. Dot: "Come on, wings..." #69 - ...is what America said after hearing the "Silly Love Songs." Slim: "He's cutting off the circulation off my foot!" #70 - "Circulation" might be a strong word. Hopper: "Where is she?" Gypsy: "I'm sorry, a magician never reveals his secrets." #102 - The circus bugs seem to expect Hopper to just accept that the Queen is gone. #103 - The fake bird flies in front of the moon, revealing that it's fake, yet none of the grasshoppers look up in enough time to see that this bird is made of leaves, twigs, and is being supsended by a thread. #104 - Yeah, no. Hopper: "Whose idea was this?" #105 - Who cares? You're killing everybody anyway, right? #106 - Flik is all bruised up, because you know... ants bruise, right?